Sunday, March 21, 2010

Alien Abduction Day

I was so bummed when I realized that I missed Alien Abduction Day. Yes, March 20th was not only the first day of spring, it was also Alien Abduction day.

I didn't get the tree put up or the lights hung! I didn't buy gifts.
But since it has already come and gone, I guess we'll just shoot for abduction next year.
After all, I wasn't really ready to travel.

I have a list of reasons why this wouldn't have been a good time for a trip (in case you're an alien and you're reading this).

First of all, I didn't have a thing to take with me. What kind of clothes does a girl need in space. Is the weather warm or cold? Flip flops or hiking boots? Both?

Second language barriers. I would at least like to brush up on my alienese.

I don't have a passport.

I like to vacation where there's a beach.

Last, but not least: I really do not like things stuck up my nose, in my ears or placed beneath my skin. You never know what kind of harmful effects you'll suffer later in life. I'd hate to see a class action lawsuit brought against aliens because they didn't know that their micro chips might someday cause burning skin, dry mouth, bladder control issues or insomnia.

All in all, it was a good day NOT to get abducted by aliens.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

How to Lose Weight

Disclaimer, this is not a standard, recognized weight loss program.

Never ever weigh yourself on a standard scale. If you do, make sure you turn the little dial so that it is negative a few pounds. Yes, start out with the scale below zero. There's nothing like positive reinforcement!

If you use the Wii to weigh yourself, make sure you count your clothing!

This is a conversation I had with my son, who caught me 'dieting.'

The wii asked, "how much do your clothes weigh."

I think that question is subjective so I clicked the four pound option with confidence. And yes, I know that shorts and a T-shirt don't weigh four pounds.

Dear Son says, "Your clothes don't weigh four pounds."

Me to son, "Yeah, but I just had two cups of coffee, yogurt and a glass of water."

Dear Son, "That doesn't count."

Me, "It does count. It makes me weigh more."

The great news, I've lost 8 pounds on the Brenda Diet Program!

Monday, March 8, 2010


A magic world where laundry is caught up, and never needs to be washed again. A place where children scrape their own plates and put them in the dishwasher, rather than at the opposite end of the counter from the sink. A world where girls actually wear the clothes they try on, rather than take them off and toss them in the hamper.
Utopia, a place where men toss clothes in the laundry basket, not on the floor next to it.

Utopia (sigh).

But now, back to reality. Dishes. Laundry. Whose stuff is this on the table?